that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
