idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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