my phone needs a breathalizer
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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