I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
