Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
