My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
