Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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