Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
