When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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