your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
BRING THE BAGELS
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
