she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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