I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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