I hope mine doesn't look like that
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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