im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize