just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
