When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
