You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize