I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
