I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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