i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
