Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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