My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
