You smell like a Billy Joel song
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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