I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
