the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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