I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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