My friends, they love my intelligence
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
