i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
