I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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