someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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