Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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