I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize