Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
