I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
