you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
