he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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