I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
