how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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