im drinking this country out of the recession.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
