Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she told me i tasted like america
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
