life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
