Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
