My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
