Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
