she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
