I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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