party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
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