Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
