This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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