there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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