I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
