Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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