totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
