I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You are the jesus of drinking
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
