Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
