Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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