i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
